Relationship Status

So let me start this by saying I am not the girl who has always envisioned a wedding. Mainly because I grew up in a single parent home (both parents were very active... read abt my daddy ) so I don't feel like I missed anything. Anyone that knows me will cosign I am much more concerned with being a mother than a wife. Which is why I decided I would adopt once I finished nursing school. If a man can fit into MY plan that's cool if not oh well....has always been my approach.

Now in my prior relationships I never thought about marriage. The men were usually Mr. Right Now because there was no way in hell I would have married any of them. My outlook on relationships has always been "when this ends" and like I stated in a previous blog I haven't not really been IN LOVE. Just long term relationship until they ran their course.  After my last relationship I knew I wanted to be in love but was not sure how I would achieve it. I really wanted my heart to play a major role in my next relationship. Not my head or the fact that I hate dating. In order to fall in love I feel like you must relinquish some control and I have issues with that

 Well peeps my new man has changed that. I was introduced to him via my BFF which makes things so much easier. We've only been talking a month and both of us are smitten with each other. The first thing that I liked about him was that he takes being a father serious. For those that know me know I don't do deadbeat or part time dads. That gets a HELL NO from me. Next, our conversations are easy and honest. This man can COMMUNICATE I don't have to wonder what in the hell is he thinking. For instance, I normally date other people while getting to know someone but he politely let me know he was not comfortable with that. Now in my years of dating most men go with the flow whether they want to or not. So to have a man state what he wants is very refreshing. He also let me know I will not talk to him crazy. Yeah I can be real flip at the mouth and some men just roll with it but not this one. WILL THE REAL MEN PLEASE STAND UP!! I like how when he was not in a good place he said one of the things that helped him was church. There is nothing sexier than a man that goes to church and encourages his woman to do the same. He encourages me to study for school because he doesn't want me to struggle later. I can go on and on about the guy but I'm not (maybe later).

I will end this by saying for the first time I actually thinking and hoping for a future. I may actually build something with a mate versus creating my own family by adopting. It's exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time.  It does require me to give up some control but I don't mind at all.

Missing In Action

I've been missing in action.  I feel like blogging is a job and I just don't feel like blogging sometimes.  I am trying to do better.  Here is a list of things I've been doing instead of blogging:

Eating
Sleeping
Studying for nursing school
Looking for a place to stay while in nursing school
Get to know my new insurance companies (yes I sell insurance)
Get to know my new boyfriend (blog coming)
Helping other people (blog coming)

However I need to do much better and I am sure I will....

The Effects of Having a Father

I will be the first to say I have an excellent father. He is a man that takes his job as a parent seriously.  My mother left my dad when I was five years old. When she decided to leave that meant taking his children away (from IN to GA).  To be honest he did not want a divorce but she was not hearing it. He was devastated but was determined in being in our lives. Through phone calls and visits he was able to form a bond with my sister and I.

My father did and still does go above and beyond financially. However the times we need him most he is there. He has never missed and important date in our life. When my mom was dying he flew from Singapore to make sure we were okay. He actions outweigh any check or item he has ever given us.
However I often wonder if having such a wonderful father is a curse. Although I don't expect a man to be where my father is financially I do have high expectations.  I expect a man to be consistent, caring, God fearing, honest, the head of the family, etc. If I meet a man that has children be MUST be an ACTIVE father. By active I mean physically, emotionally, and financially available to his children. It is not okay to be a every other weekend father in the same city. It is not acceptable to behind on child support. It is not acceptable to not see ur child because you have issues with the mom.

As I often wonder is my dad a blessing or a curse. I always come away with the same answer he is a blessing. If it weren't for him I would not know what a man' s role is in his family. He has given me standards and I will be forever grateful.

When To Let Your Guard Down...

As a single woman it is often necessary for us to have our guard up. I have no clue when my guard even appeared but it is there. I am not sure if my outlook on love has always been grim because my parents divorced, the things I witnessed or the fact that people make damn fools of themselves all for love. I do know I have NEVER had a broken heart and I can honestly say I may have only been in love one time (even then I am on the fence about it). Instead I have been in long term relationships that when they are over I may be sad (for a hot second) but essentially walk away without a scratch. At the end of the day I believe my desire to be in control has helped enforce my guard.

The control I have over my feelings are unreal. I did not cry as I signed the paper to remove my mother from life support, I did not cry when she took her last breath, I did not cry at her funeral nor did I cry at the burial. I spent that time making sure everyone around me was not falling apart. Instead I had a breakdown home alone a couple of months later. I also remember quickly crying in front of my best friend twice. Oh and I remember crying when I had to approve the body.

I typed all that to say this…..

I recently met this guy who for all purposes has me smitten. I am now faced with staying guarded and not enjoying the moment or rolling with my feelings. Either way I think I am going to be screwed (I’m working on not expecting the worse will blog about that later). 

How do I enter this with an open heart/mind without losing control?  All this has my mind completely blowed...